Land After Time

Q. What do you call an overweight ET?

A. An extra cholesterol

     How will the world end?  People have imagined numerous ways the world might end such as a flood, heat, frost, zombie apocalypse, nuclear war, black hole, asteroid, pandemic, or even evil robots gone. Truth is the world as we know it will come to a screeching halt in 50 years. Four fingered, green creatures will trample our plant and kill everyone in roughly 0.0065 seconds with their UFO guns.

     Paul overlooks the damage done to this strange land away from home. He scavenges threw the blasted remains of a large farm house. He searches in hope of finding a mysterious treasure to bring back to his pals. He notices a slice of tree laying on the torched floor. These earthlings seemed to have scratched a drawing into the wood flake. The one creature fits the criteria that has been determined for these beings. It obtains the strange long hair and big mouth that had been sighted by the trillions upon landing on this place. The other being confuses his senses. The thing on the slip seems normal. This thought blows his mind. He can not recall a visit to this land in the years before. The friend drawn before him seems to be one of his kind. These mistaken thoughts expand in his brain. Flipping through scenario after scenario of ways these creatures could have known of his planets residents. He often reverts back to the idea that he was just quick to jump to conclusions. The gun then reassures his wacky inferences. The friendly body has to be one of his kind.

     Now that these creatures are dead, being exposed no longer threatens Paul. Yet, he still proceeds to question the past. Who believed in these obscure drawings? Did these beings really know of our existence?

Twist In Time

Q: What do a tornado, a hurricane and a redneck divorce have in common?
A: In the end, someone is going to loose a trailer house.


     Back in the summer of '98, man it was killing time. It was long and reckless. It needed to unwind. The clouds hovered in the distance with assumed rain showers. Although the sun's rays shined brilliantly, they could not puncture through the fierce charcoal clouds. The sun glowed in warmth, but the grass failed to attain the sunshine. Everything calmed to a lull. No movement in the distance presented itself. As if coaxed to sleep, nature rested.

     Mother washed the dishes. They dirtied themselves and never could keep a clean face. The presents of a two year old child kept the new house alive. Although new to Mother and child, the house was old news to Father, who owed his childhood to the ancient towering farm house.

     The young child that I was had only one thing on mind. It occupies any two year old child's mind. Yes candy, it in fact presented itself as the glorious prize for going to the bathroom. Not just any candy either, the most royal Starbursts stood at stake. I often faked my time on the golden thrown just to get my chompers on the sweet chewy goodness. On this very day at this very hour, I nearly peed my pants. I raced to that golden thrown with hopes of relief and candy.

     Meanwhile, Mother scrubbed her way through yet another dish. She soon came to notice a twig, no branch. Oh heavens, she now realized that a whole tree flew by the kitchen window. In a hurried scurry she raced to rip me off the toilet that I treasured oh so very much. As she entered the dark gloomy basement stairs, she ripped the phone off the counter. I lacked any concern of the tornado up above, because for me the true problem brought horrifying thoughts to my mind. I screamed "MOM I DIDN'T WIPE!"

Vacation Out Back

Q: What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with a giraffe?

A: Broken Legs

     Let's take a journey to the land down under. NO NOT ANTARCTICA... We shall spend our time in a mystical place of joy and hope. We shall see things beyond our wildest dreams. Please note: no unicorns will be seen on this adventure. Let's take a hop, a skip, and a jump (or a plane) to Australia.

     Australia is mostly known for the Outback, the Great Barrier Reef, and the Sydney Opera House. It's a given that our first destinations would be these three. We will hike the enormous Outback in search of Kangaroo Jack. We will try to find Nemo while scuba diving and snorkeling. The true thrill seekers that we are will show as we para sail over the Great Barrier Reef in hopes of possibly catching a glimpse of Free Willy. We will also stop at Sydney to listen to some tunes in the Opera House (*side note* I often mispronounce Opera as Oprah).

     After the three most common tourist attractions, we will go to the three best theme parks in Australia. The theme parks consist of Movie World, Sea World, and Wet'n'Wild. Movie World has a roller coaster that goes from 0-100 in 2 seconds. Sea World obviously has animals like sharks, polar bears, penguins, and sting rays. The main performance at Sea World is the jet ski stuntmen. The worlds best freestyle jet skier and a former X Games gold medalist team up for the Jet Stunt Extreme jet ski show. Wet'n'Wild is famous for its slide named the Kamikaze. We will plunge down on a tube for a 11 meter drop at a step 70 degree angle and reach speeds up to 50 mph. If that's not crazy then call me Betty White.

     Australia at its finest has three main attractions and three insanely thrilling theme parks. Are you ready to rock? Because I'm ready to roll, roll on down to Australia for an out of this world experience. Well, it will at least be an out of this country experience anyways.